“Él puede, porque es hombre” My upbringing in a Machista household significantly affected my self-esteem, which took a toll on my values. Do I fear men, or do I worship them? This question rattled in my head every time a man got too close to me, especially as I began to grow into a young lady. Every woman in my family lives with the same question but none of them ever have an answer. I have always been told by relatives “Calladita, te miras mas bonita” “Quiet, you look prettier.” Every time my parents said this to me, it silenced me more, until one day being silent and pretty were not just things I did—they became my only personality. This phrase affected a young me in many ways: I would let people stomp all over me because I dreaded the thought of them shutting me down. I never had my own thoughts, I only found myself silently agreeing with everyone. If only they had told me I would still be beautiful, even when I screamed.

“Me siento incomoda.” As I got dressed for another party my parents made me go to, I made sure to hide my rapidly developing body. My mom would say that they are always watching, and that my 11-year-old body was “alluring” to men twice my age. Me being muy bien portada, I did not question my mom always hid my body under baggy clothes, and I avoided men at all costs. Even with those clothes covering my body, I still felt their gaze every time I walked past them. It was the same men that we were supposed to respect and obey, but also camouflage from.

“Por que yo?” In my family, we are brought up from an early age to be insecure young ladies so we can secure a boy who will eventually make us feel worse about ourselves. We are told that we must stay in shape so men will want to marry and have children with us. All the women in my family have been expected to find a man to take care of and satisfy. It was their mission in life to find a man whose one only job is to provide for their family, nothing more, nothing less. Men did not have to help their wives look after their children, cook a meal, or much less wash a dish. You were lucky to find a man who would watch the kids without groaning about it being a “chore.”

“Stop eating! Así ningun muchacho te va querer,” my aunt would often say to me every time my clothes size got bigger. She associated my growing body with something that would make me unappealing to all the boys my age. She was also a reason to hide my body. Her words scared me into unhealthy eating habits and low self-esteem at an age where I should not have been thinking about a boy liking me, much less getting married. She tried her best to teach me about her homemaker duties and would leave me to take care of her two toddlers while her older sons played video games. Although there were many times I resisted, she still managed to get me to do it. I hated that my life revolved around wanting her to be content with me. I say “content” because she was never happy herself.

“No sirves para nada!” Living with her meant hearing every argument and slap to the face she received from her husband. When I would listen to her cry her eyes out in the middle of the night, I wondered why her husband would hurt her. I thought she did everything right, she married him being a virgin, she cooked, she cleaned, she cared for her kids. Unfortunately, that was not enough for him. Fortunately for me, my family moved out of their house when I was thirteen.

“Tu no necesitas a ningun hombre” my mom would say to me when I would tell her about everything aunt would say to me. She taught me that life was not about finding a husband–much less becoming his slave as she would say. My mom would become infuriated when my aunt would forcefully make me do housework. It was because of my mom that we left my aunt’s house. It is because of her that I decided to continue with my education and became independent. I worked harder in school, found a love for painting and Ballet Folklorico. With painting I was able to express years of insecurity and tears into something beautiful. With dance I was finally able to feel beautiful.

“Me siento, muy orgullosa de ti.” I still struggle with loving my body, but I no longer think I should hide it or care what men think of it. I do not care if I marry any time soon. I do not want to force anything in my life. I know my worth and that is all that matters.  Although I still see my aunt from time to time, I no longer have to live with her breathing down my neck. My experience in a Machista household did affect my self-esteem but it also made me realize what really needs to be valued in life.

America Cortes is a sophomore at California State University Northridge, where she is pursuing a bachelor's degree in Spanish translation. Her dream is to become a professional Spanish interpreter in court rooms, so she could be the voice for Spanish speakers in the U.S. In her personal narrative, Calladita Te Miras Mas Bonita, she reflects on what led her to pursuing a higher education and becoming her own person. She hopes to inspire other young girls who are growing up in a Machista household, so they too can break away from social norms and become bright, independent women.